Everyone’s happier at the end of the year (well, most of us). It’s a time when families get together, children are on long school breaks in Singapore, weather’s a lot cooler…
I love year-end but recently, I feel I’m in the rut and the cracks are starting to show. The lethargy is setting in. I’m losing motivation in things I do, and I snap at people I love every time. I want to be honest here…I feel alone even though I’m surrounded with people.
To Continue Homeschooling or Not?
I’ve been struggling with the idea to continue homeschooling. Don’t get me wrong. We still enjoy the time spent together. But I’ve realized Hannah loves to be in big groups. Often, the inquisitive her will run to groups of children gathering at a corner of a park, or when two or three older sisters are playing a game of tag. While, we attend play groups, go for weekly Sunday School, meet up with other homeschoolers, I somehow sense her yearning for something more.
The Heartache of Waiting for a Child
My husband and I are living through a season of waiting for a child. Today is one of those days that I cried after receiving a negative test result. It doesn’t help when people around you – neighbors, parents at the playground, grandparents are asking: “When are you having another one? Don’t wait too long to have another one…” It’s not like I can slot a coin in some baby-making machine and “order” a baby. I’ve been through this season before but the heartache doesn’t go away.
Deep down, I’m hoping encouragement, support from my family. Hoping to hear that it’s ok. Hoping to hear that it doesn’t matter and that Hannah is enough for us. Can we just do away with this unsaid rule of having two as a KPI?
Yesterday, while at Ikea with Hannah, I saw her trying to make friends with a little girl. She tried to hug the little girl but the girl’s brother pulled her away and told Hannah to stay away. My heart broke.
Feeling Alone as an Outlier
I’m traveling on this path less travelled among my friends and family members – being a stay-at-home mother, homeschooling a young child, and waiting for a baby. I can’t seem to share my heartfelt thoughts with my friends. They are of different life events, no problems conceiving, children happily in schools. I tried to share but got slapped in the face with remarks like, “Why don’t you just put Hannah in a school?”, “Get a domestic helper”, “Oh, I feel you…I’m doing far worse than you. I have four kids to juggle.” ~ Ouch!
As I was seeking encouragement and solace in God, I came across The Busy Mom’s article, “Hope in our Heartache“. I found some comfort in these words, “There is still hope in this. And hope brings life and purpose into the heartache of the present struggle.”
I’m penning down my thoughts as I admit I’m frail. I’m imperfect. I’m human. I hope every mother who’s going through similar struggles will know that you’re not alone in this. Hold on! I hear your heartache. We’re in this together. We will overcome for OUR God is able!
Photo credit: “Twinkle, twinkle, little star” by tanakawho
HOMESCHOOL CRAFTS 
Hi there..Just wanted to drop a note to say that I can understand what you are feeling. I have a (soon to be) 6 yr old boy and although we are very happy, I do get lots of ‘advice’ about why its not enough to have just one child. Family, friends and even strangers at times. We had our reasons but we are not going to explain to everyone. I also totally feel you when I see my boy talk animatedly to other children and sometimes not getting a response or even get a rebuff. I do hope that you and your family will be happy with whatever the future may bring and do know that there are mothers out there who understand how you feel and what you go through.
@Sugarbitznmilkybar: Thank you very much for taking the time to reply to me. Thank you for your encouragement, and letting me know that I’m alone. 🙂
Your welcome! We mums need to stick together. PS: I think you meant “that I’m NOT alone” 🙂
Haha! Yes, I’m NOT alone!
I bet if you just stop trying so hard and just kind of try to forget about it, it will happen. I hope that doesn’t sound mean because that’s not how I mean it at all. I’ve just known others with the same problem and that’s what I always heard people telling them. I’m fertile Myrtle, so I don’t know. I did have 2 miscarriages after my first baby and was really sad and thinking that since I was with my second husband, that maybe he couldn’t have kids or something. People would say rude things like, well, at least you have one. It didn’t matter because I wanted more than one and it was a very sad time for me, but eventually it happened. I wish you the very best on your journey and can’t wait to read the blog where you’re making the happy announcement. Hang in there.
Wild Thang aka Tammy 🙂
Hi Tammy
Thank you for your encouragement and for sharing with me your life’s journey. You are an amazing woman and I admire your fighting spirit as you embrace life’s fullness both good and bad. Go you, Wild Thang! 🙂
I enjoy sharing my life’s journey, as it is very therapeutic for me and the support and encouragement in this community is unbelievable. So, for now Wild Thang is trying to stay strong, even with all the medical issues I’m currently dealing with.
I’ll be following your blog, as I find it very interesting and, of course, I can’t wait to hear the wonderful news when it’s announced. Stay strong. Chin up, and go about you business and it will happen. I wish you the best of luck on your journey!
Peace and Hugs,
Wild Thang 🙂
Oh man! I wish there were a way to give you a hug! No you are not alone. God knows you, loves you and understands exactly what you are going through and aches with you. It is very hard in this world of homeschooling to know if you’re doing the right thing. I went through a very similar sounding experience with my oldest, it seemed like he wanted more so we put him school for a bit (3 months) and found that though he is social and loves that part of it (we’ve since increased our “social gatherings”), academically, his needs could not be met in a public school setting. I think it’s different with each family and each child-but God will guide you. As for the waiting, my heart aches for you. I’ve been in that stage and it is very hard, especially when others don’t understand. Hug your baby, prayer, read God’s words, live with gratitude…but also know that it is ok to feel down and hurt sometimes. We must know the bitter to recognize the sweet. Also know that God’s timing is best and He is there…always. Hugs and prayers your way!
Meg, thank you and thank you. *BIG HUG* I’m hanging on and trusting God for His plans are far bigger than I can ever imagine.