Everyone’s happier at the end of the year (well, most of us). It’s a time when families get together, children are on long school breaks in Singapore, weather’s a lot cooler…
I love year-end but recently, I feel I’m in the rut and the cracks are starting to show. The lethargy is setting in. I’m losing motivation in things I do, and I snap at people I love every time. I want to be honest here…I feel alone even though I’m surrounded with people.
To Continue Homeschooling or Not?
I’ve been struggling with the idea to continue homeschooling. Don’t get me wrong. We still enjoy the time spent together. But I’ve realized Hannah loves to be in big groups. Often, the inquisitive her will run to groups of children gathering at a corner of a park, or when two or three older sisters are playing a game of tag. While, we attend play groups, go for weekly Sunday School, meet up with other homeschoolers, I somehow sense her yearning for something more.
The Heartache of Waiting for a Child
My husband and I are living through a season of waiting for a child. Today is one of those days that I cried after receiving a negative test result. It doesn’t help when people around you – neighbors, parents at the playground, grandparents are asking: “When are you having another one? Don’t wait too long to have another one…” It’s not like I can slot a coin in some baby-making machine and “order” a baby. I’ve been through this season before but the heartache doesn’t go away.
Deep down, I’m hoping encouragement, support from my family. Hoping to hear that it’s ok. Hoping to hear that it doesn’t matter and that Hannah is enough for us. Can we just do away with this unsaid rule of having two as a KPI?
Yesterday, while at Ikea with Hannah, I saw her trying to make friends with a little girl. She tried to hug the little girl but the girl’s brother pulled her away and told Hannah to stay away. My heart broke.
Feeling Alone as an Outlier
I’m traveling on this path less travelled among my friends and family members – being a stay-at-home mother, homeschooling a young child, and waiting for a baby. I can’t seem to share my heartfelt thoughts with my friends. They are of different life events, no problems conceiving, children happily in schools. I tried to share but got slapped in the face with remarks like, “Why don’t you just put Hannah in a school?”, “Get a domestic helper”, “Oh, I feel you…I’m doing far worse than you. I have four kids to juggle.” ~ Ouch!
As I was seeking encouragement and solace in God, I came across The Busy Mom’s article, “Hope in our Heartache“. I found some comfort in these words, “There is still hope in this. And hope brings life and purpose into the heartache of the present struggle.”
I’m penning down my thoughts as I admit I’m frail. I’m imperfect. I’m human. I hope every mother who’s going through similar struggles will know that you’re not alone in this. Hold on! I hear your heartache. We’re in this together. We will overcome for OUR God is able!
Photo credit: “Twinkle, twinkle, little star” by tanakawho